puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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