I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
