my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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