I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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