Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
