Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
