Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
