my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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