apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
