you would pick up someone in the library
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
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