I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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