I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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