no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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