i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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