Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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