so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
