i don't plan on having that self control this summer
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
