I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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