u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
