I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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