Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
