So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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