Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
