I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
