I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
