I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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