the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
