you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
