She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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