Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
