Your dad touched me again.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
