I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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