New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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