and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
