I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
