So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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