I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Drunk is a universal language darling
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