When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
