umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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