I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
