Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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