Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
