found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
