mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i think im in europe. pls send help
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
