he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
