Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
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I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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