just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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