First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
