sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
