he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
