Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
