grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
