already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
