Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
