I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
