In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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