Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
