My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
