I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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