Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
