Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
