Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you had me at cake vodka
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
