the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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